by Esera Tuaolo with John Rosengren
Sourcebooks
hardcover, 2006
paperback, 2007
nonfiction, 281 pages
“Tough, tender and brutally honest, this spiritual yet muscular read is only for people interested in football, love, manhood and the human condition.”
–Robert Lipsyte, former New York Times sports columnist
Esera Tuaolo’s raw talent raised him from the banana ghetto of Hawaii to prominence in the NFL, yet an agonizing secret tormented him. He dared not tell anyone in the testosterone-crazed football world that he was gay. The more successful he became in his nine-year NFL career, which included a trip to the Super Bowl, the more terrified he became of his secret being discovered. A devout Christian, he found no refuge at team prayer meetings, where preachers railed against homosexuality as an abomination. He endured worse slanders in the locker room. His despair nearly ended in suicide.
Esera’s story is rife with heartbreak and, ultimately, hope. A man of deep faith and abundant personality, Mr. Aloha struggles to accept himself in search of his American dream: a family of his own. His candid account takes readers where television cameras cannot go to examine not just the homophobia that dominates the NFL but a moral crisis that confronts our nation.
Author Interview
Q: What was the genesis of Alone in the Trenches for you?
JR: I was watching a stage production of “To Kill a Mockingbird” three years ago, right after I had finished writing Blades of Glory and wondering what direction I should take my career, basically searching for the next good idea, when it struck me that gays and lesbians face many of the same issues that African Americans faced at the time Harper Lee wrote her novel. I thought the story of a gay or lesbian in sports would make for a great book, but I didn’t have the specific subject identified.
Q: How did you pair up with Esera?
JR: Hillel Black, my editor at Sourcebooks on Blades of Glory, called me and asked if I was interested in working with Esera. Sourcebooks wanted to do the book, but another writer had walked off the project. I welcomed the chance to work again with Hillel, who is one of the venerable souls of publishing, but I told him I needed to meet Esera first to see if I trusted his motives and whether or not we clicked.
Q: What was that meeting with Esera like?
JR: I liked him instantly, the way most people do. He didn’t earn the nickname “Mr. Aloha” by chance. He’s charming, sincere, compassionate, funny and warm. All that comes across immediately on first impression. When I heard more of his story and that he wanted to write a book to raise awareness, I trusted his motives were in synch with mine. I went back to Hillel and told him to sign me up.
Q: How was it working together?
JR: I felt like I was channeling a 300-pound gay football player. No simple task, but Esera is a terrific storyteller. That made it easy for me as a writer to transcribe his story. He is also amazingly courageous in his honesty, willing to sacrifice his ego in favor of telling the truth about his experience. I think readers will instantly relate to him as a result. As a devout Christian, he does a great job in relating how he came to terms with his faith and his orientation, especially in light of the persecution that the religious right–and even mainstream–continues to throw at gays and lesbians. I cried at times when we were together, hearing about his pain, and I laughed heartily at the funnier incidents from his past. As a football fan, I was fascinated by the insights he provided that aren’t visible when watching the game on television. In short, I thoroughly enjoyed working with Esera. Most significantly, we developed a deep bond, for which I’m grateful.
Q: What are your hopes for Alone in the Trenches?
JR: I know this may sound schmaltzy, but I believe Esera’s story has the potential to change people’s hearts and minds. While working with Esera, I had in mind the Republicans that I love and kept thinking that if they could only walk around in a gay person’s skin–to paraphrase Atticus Finch–they might understand that person and not want to pass laws that keep him from committing himself to the man he loves or from adopting children. Esera gives them that chance.
Reviews
Though the world has changed in many ways for gay men, it is still not safe to be an out gay man while an active player in the four major professional sports of football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. It’s striking how similar these two books on this subject are. Tuaolo, with journalist Rosengren (Blades of Glory) and Simmons, with Dimarco (Tower Stories: The Autobiography of September 11, 2001), have written heartfelt memoirs of their lives in the NFL and their experience of being gay in such a homophobic environment. Both came from very impoverished backgrounds, were found to have athletic talent at a young age, and made significant contributions to their teams. Tuaolo is of Samoan ancestry and Simmons is African American. While playing ball, they each had to manage what to them was a shameful secret; they were constantly profoundly afraid of discovery.
Both stories are captivating, and most readers won’t be able to put these books down. Though co-written with others, they have a conversational style that captures the individual voices of the men as they tell their own stories. Simmons is particularly harrowing in relating his descent into the grimy life of drug addiction. Eventually, with the help of some incredibly loyal friends, he overcame those horrors, even appearing on the Phil Donahue Show, only to go back to his addiction. He writes movingly of his reconnections with his family, even as he reports that his struggle has not ended. Though he, too, had a demon in alcohol, Tuaolo’s story ends with him happily attached to a mate and adopted children. Readers interested in sports or gay biography will get their money’s worth.
—David Azzolina, Library Journal, January 2006
After impoverished Samoan immigrant Tuaolo attended Oregon State on a football scholarship, he was drafted by the Green Bay Packers and then spent nine years in the NFL on five different teams. Yet he was “terrified” during the 1999 Super Bowl, when he was playing for the Atlanta Falcons: “not one teammate, coach or sportswriter knew I was gay…. What if one of those billion people watching recognized me as the stranger he had picked up in a gay bar?” Tuaolo’s intimate description of such fears kicks off this absorbing, first-person account, co-written with journalist Rosengren.
The author looks back with straight-talking honesty, recalling his Oahu childhood on a banana farm, his teen years in the continental U.S. and his introduction to the testosterone-crazed culture of the locker room.
Pages filled with the kind of football lore that only an NFL insider could know are punctuated with Tuaolo’s painful dread of discovery. The first player to sing the national anthem and then start an NFL game, Tuaolo now has a new career in musical theater and recordings. His book communicates a warmth and openness that will appeal to both football fans and the gay community.
—Publishers Weekly
“His story is both painful and hopeful, as Tuaolo emerges in these pages as a complex, intellectually curious, and fascinating individual defined neither by his choice of career nor by his sexual orientation. He is much more than “the gay Samoan nose tackle,” as he jokingly refers to himself.”
—Booklist
What they’re saying about Alone in the Trenches:
“My friend Esera—a gentle giant with a heart of gold—bravely confronts the memories of his childhood in a way that emboldens you to do the same. This beautiful book is not only about football but freedom and family. A must read for all. I love this man.”
—Rosie O’Donnell
“Honesty is always the best policy and Esera is exceptionally honest and revealing in his struggle with his sexual identity. His sincerity is clearly evident and his words will continue to be a great help to so many others.”
—David Kopay, author of The David Kopay Story (1977)
“I have known Esera for a few years, and in that time we have become as close as brothers. However, even I was not prepared for his amazing life story. He spares no one when recounting the difficulties of his childhood, sexual abuse, and being a gay man in the NFL. I am so proud of him for sharing, because I know that his generosity will help many of us in the LGBT community. It is my hope that other former professional athletes, who happen to be gay, will be inspired by his story, and come forward. So once and for all, we can show the world that athletic greatness has nothing to do with sexuality.”
—Billy Bean, former major league baseball player and author of Going the Other Way: Lessons from a life in and out of Major League Baseball
“I was truly moved to read Esera’s story told in his own words. While the rest of us were living out our dreams of playing in the NFL, Esera was fighting this internal battle every day of his life in solitude. It was heartbreaking to learn that his secret almost caused him to take his own life on several occasions. What a tragedy that would have been. I am happy that Esera is now able to enjoy what so many of us take for granted: the freedom to be the great person that he is.”
—Don Davey, former NFL player with the Green Bay Packers and the Jacksonville Jaguars